Guilt

So, my dear husband has given me a tremendous gift. We are converting our one-car garage into a studio. I got it cheap. Really cheap. I am painting it myself, and laying my own floor to save even more money. It now has a huge picture window in place of the garage door, that overlooks the garden. How the previous owners of the house could put that huge garden in with no part of the house overlooking it was a huge weirdness. I hired piano movers to move the kitchen island into my studio, so that looks great too.

So here it is. I feel like I don't deserve this studio. It's a really great room. Really. I feel like I ought to stay in the basement dungeon, where I have to run great orange extension cords for the other rooms for power. I ought to still have to have my Ott light next to me so I can see through the gloom to work. Is my art worthy of this? Heck, I keep telling myself that even if I do fail to put the room to good use, It's a great room and a wonderful addition to the house under any pretense.

I have put 100s of hours into this room, choosing the best, and most cost effective...well..everything. I have researched until my head popped off, so I suppose I could say that the room is wonderful because I worked so hard to make it so. Still, I feel guilty.

Is this a manifestation of why I didn't stay in NYC and go for another job when the the one I was hired for--indeed the whole company-- vanished one week after I was hired? Did I feel that i did not deserve it? That I did not deserve to stay at my friends' house in NJ, until I found another job? I sure did feel as though I was imposing. I had no money to help pay for things, though I did bring in a little food---and little was just about all I ate anyway.

Do I deserve this? All I know is that I better start bringing in the cash now that I have a space suitable for clients, and students. And here is the big question....what if they don't come? Will I then have proof that I am no artist? Is this what I fear? I can no longer pretend that I'd be a big deal if only.....

Yep.